Journey to the Abyss

when people see me they look at me as an outgoing strong individual, someone who can hold their own ground; knows where they are going in life… someone who has everything or can get anything they want but in reality im not….yea i am outgoing but thats something i want you to perceive because that way you are looked upon as trouble free; normal. Normal HA… im far from it; normal people aren’t insomniacs that stay up staring out the window and think for countless hours about anything and everything. Analyzing and Re- analyzing situations, scenarios things people said, i sit there thinking about their cognitive processes as they thought it and the tone they used to convey it. Thinking if i did something different, or said something or didnt would have changed the outcome of the situation. Im someone who believes that if i do good and help and give back and continuously kept giving then good things would happen. People would stay in my life instead of leaving, people would love me instead of judging me. i learned yea karma does exist, yet we cant have what we want; so its important to cherish the things that you do have before its gone. i portray a dominant character because i dont want to seem weak; people feed and prey on the weak; so its step on or be stepped on. im good at giving illusions and only those who know me well enough can see through the BS; see who i really am… and there isn’t many, i can even use one hand to count because there aren’t many, a few or not even a couple im lucky if theres one let alone more. I fear acceptance, rejection, being loved, ostracized. Being loved is my biggest fear because i dont think i can be because i see myself damaged, weak, and like i said if they do know me they can see through all the BS and see that i am. But when it comes to my mind im free, i can be who i want cause its just me and i learned that the only person you can always depend on is yourself. i know im different, and someone once told being original is better. This was when i started to share the depth of my mind, and i hope now you too can enjoy the journey to the abyss of my mind. I never really speak my mind; if i did i would be talking forever and im not saying im a quiet person im not believe me but i can say i have a loud mind. its filled with unfiltered thoughts, reappearing thoughts, you name it its there. its only lately i started to talk about these thoughts, a year ago to be precise, because of one individual. Yes, most women say its because of a man; but im not most women and this is not some ordinary man that made this happen. He’s my best friend. He is someone who changed my life just being apart of it; he makes me believe that yes there is good in the world. when im down and the world seems dark hes my rock my light that makes the world perfect, a utopia. Many people would say that you describe him as if you are in love with him. YES, you got me, i am irrevocably in love with this man. And you might also say, she is only 19 a child, what does thou know about love, to be in love, to sacrifice for love, to give everything up for love. every one has their own opinions and you are completely entitled to it; but love doesn’t discriminate on age, race, ethnicity or anything its infinite; something you feel deep within your soul and no one experiences it the same. Now you are wondering whats the story behind this man; i can tell you one thing its better that the twilight series… he may be no werewolf or vampire but he is real; and real men are hard to find these days and the ones that are, are already taken. i could probably write many blogs about him and i probably will. This is my very first blog, i dunnoe if ill blog often because truth be told im a person who writes out their thoughts in a diary call me old fashioned; but living in a house with nosy parents and siblings its not safe to keep my thought in a physical object; especially being raised in a tradition brown household… my family alone can be a very lengthy blog post. But for now this is it .. take me as i am or watch me as i leave. thats the journey into the abyss.

~SS