Train Insane or Remain the Same

People would describe me as an avid gymoholic; I certainly don’t deny it. Ive been like this for the last three years and it has become a way of life. I used to work out because I didn’t like the way that I look; I still do it for that reason but now I love it too. I work so hard to achieve my goals but I haven’t seen changes I am happy with. My diet used to be poor, not because I ate crappy, sugar filled; greasy food. It was because I didn’t eat enough food. Eating one to two meals a day and consuming less then 1000 calories and burning twice as much. My body became very inefficient at burning because I consumed very little calories… wth I thought the whole point of weight loss was to burn more then you consume to create changes. I felt cheated because I did exactly that. They say break fast is the most important meal of the day and it is don’t get me wrong and for the past 6 -7 years I never really had breakfast; I wasn’t accustomed to it, I lived my life in a rush so I never gave it a second look. The way I eat is that I eat when I am hungry not regularly every 3-4 hours. Its not fair to those people who are stuck with genes where their metabolism is slow as a snail. Every one has their problems, mine is my body; it just wont cooperate. I have low iron on top of it due to the lack of nutrition and this cause you to be cold all the time even in the summer, weak- not to mention constipated from the iron pills. I have this image of what I should look like and to be honest I should look like that for the amount I exercise. I rollerblade everyday in the summer from 2-5 km a day to and from the gym. At the gym I spend at least an hour and a half working every muscle till it hurts. NO Pain, No Gain.

If I were to describe how I look I don’t think I can honestly say anything positive because there’s nothing perfect about me, in fact 100 % imperfect. You can say I have low self-esteem; I do and that’s probably because I hear from my skinny friends complain about being fat or when my mom calls me fat. This low self –esteem is an inner feeling that is masked… I am fit ; could be fitter. I have broad shoulders big hips. People say I have a nice big ass and wish they had one like me and deep down I am like take it cause I  sure as hell don’t want it. My weight is on the heavier side because I have a greater muscle mass then most girls. I never use to look at the scale because my body composition is different and I didn’t want my beauty or my so called beauty defined by a number and be even more discouraged. But lately I have the need to weigh my self and see what number I am today. What drives me insane is that I probably eat the most healthiest out of all my friends and work out the most and my body fails to cooperate. I see my skinny friends indulge in pizza, fries complete garbage food and never gain a pound! Don’t get me started about the gym, they wouldn’t be caught dead in the gym; no offence! But its true and at the end of the day they would be the one complaining OMG im so fat! Im going to the gym tomorrow to burn this off!!! And in my mind I just want to scream; leave a nice five star on their face and tell them shuuttttt uppp! If you are fat then what am I morbidly obese?? Like seriously some people really need to calm down; some people work day in an day out to achieve change; it doesn’t come by consuming junk food all day.

Recently, my skinny friends got into Isogenix it’s a weight loss product where you have two shakes one in the morning, night and a 600 cal meal for lunch; with numerous supplements through the day. My one friend lost 5 lbs in a week. I was happy for them and I asked them what are you going to do when you get off that product? I just dont like it when people decide to take an easy way out. Anything worth having is done through hard work and commitment you build yourself as a person while trying to achive your goals. You build character and discipline things that you will carry over to many other aspects in your life.

My daily routine now would consist of waking up taking my metmucil iron pills and eat oatmeal for breakfast. Go to school or work and for lunch have an assortment of fruits and vegetables and a light dinner. I would always make time for the gym always spending and hour or two hours finding a new way to make a positve change to push my body to its limits to achieve my goals. Then everything else is secondary; school, relationships and social life. Some people are just fortunate and have good genes while others have the shorter end of the straw. I continually make new goals and  work hard to achieve them but I guess results just take even longer especially for me. I rather look the way I look and be healthy and live longer than be smaller and filled with toxins. Its always been a struggle with my body but I am mot someone who is going to quit on my goals. I will get there; may my haters live long to see my succes.

Lost in Translation

I just turned 20 recently and all I can think about is that I’ve been on earth for two decades and have nothing accomplished or to be proud of. I go into work every day for the past two months thinking this is what life has become. No change, the same thing day in and day out for everyday for the rest of your life. I quickly shake my head to snap out of those dreadful thoughts. I am a current student completing my undergraduate in kinesiology and management studies with big dreams. I hope to open my own clinic and gym one day and call it “Hustle Fitness” and get it franchised. This is a very big dream but dream big as you can becuase even if you fall short by a little bit you can still recognize you accomplished a lot. I’m a light sleeper but heavy dreamer.

Growing up in a traditional brown family it’s very hard to seek support from parents who don’t see eye to eye. I mean my parents didnt even approve of my career choice and it is in the healthcare profession. It’s always a struggle to get their approval, support, happiness or even blessing. You start to lose yourself trying to please them becuase you feel this obligation that you are indebted to them for everything they sacrificed to get you where you are. Everything from your education, the food on the table to the clothes on your back; you’d be nothing without them. But, more importantly they never let you forget it… they always remind you of all the sacrifices they made so we could have a better future and lecture us on how we are throwing it away because it is something they disapprove of. I forgot the meaning of happiness from being around my parents. Most often all I do remember are all the negative things rather than the positives. I’ve become unmotivated to do the things that once brought me passion and happiness because im too stressed from handling all the psychological and emotional distress I get from my parents. After reaching the age of 19 now 20 my parents have been very persistent on telling me how to behave and act because they don’t want me to tarnish my name and reputation because I have reached the stage in my life where I will be married soon. It seems that everything I do is somehow wrong and there is no pleasing them.

I work out like it was my job, I’ve been working out everyday for the past 3 years yea its partly for the goals I have for my self but mainly to help anguish the depression and eating disorder I once had. Im not the type to blame others I feel everything that has happened to me is brought upon myself. At the end of the day we are all accountable for our own actions and I just didn’t handle mine appropriately. When I work out I am driven and focused; I shut everything out and focus on what I want to become, what I want to achieve. That hard work and dedication will give you results. It also gave me strength; strength to be stronger physically and emotionally. It was something I used as a coping mechanism to deal with the bs I put up with at home. Ive tried a lot of things such as illicit drugs, alcohol, drawing, writing but nothing helped quite as much as working out. Exercise realeases endorphins which lifts you up and makes you happy and with a daily dose I seemed happy. What I didnt realize is that I used exercise to mask what I was going through, it helped me ignore and disregard my current events for this temporary relief. But someone helped me realize talking was the best method; it helps you arrive you to a solution. The only way this happened was because HE was persistent;  something I hated and loved about him. He dug up some skeletons buried deep but I guess that happens if you fall for someone. They want all of you not just good parts; they want the bad, messy, meaningless pieces of you too. I guess im lucky I found someone that sees me in the midst of being lost; lost in translation. I say this as tears flood down my face, mucus building in my nose and as my teeth clench together trying to contain myself.

Lost, lost is how I’ve been feeling as of late. But I don’t think it has been of late, I feel like its been ongoing displacement and I’ve just gotten better at putting on a facade to make it seem like im there… but I’m not. I feel like im in a standstill with selective hearing. I’m watching life go by and not really experiencing it. Im faking emotions; faking happiness, laughter, but sadness seems to be the only thing genuine about me. Life is a constant battle between who I want to be and who I am expected to be. And either way im failing at doing both. Even if I try to do what’s expected it still doesnt fit the requirements. It is never enough; sometimes I do wish my physical being was lost just like how my mind and soul seems to be. It feels like that is the best solution sometimes to be honest. I feel like im lost; there but not there. Trapped in my mind living inside a membrane of fluid and bones. I try to make others happy with the sacrifice of my own happiness and the end result is that either party isn’t happy so its a lose-lose situation. They say you should start living for yourself, it’s a dog eat dog world out there and all you will have is me, myself and I. There is no such thing as forever; people always leave its inevitable. But when you decide to “do you” everyone proclaims you are selfish and undeserving. There is no winning, you lose all the way to your death bed. YOU are in control of what you do, say, act, feel, think but why do I feel powerless. Striped of all feeling emotion even things that are made for pleasure like sex feels vacant and numb. Like I said I feel lost; I am trying to find my way back but I feel like im drowning in my own thoughts gasping for air. I am not the self destructive type but my thoughts are quite dark and are fiending for the light.

Its hard to change what you were taught and told since the day you were born by the people whole are said to always be by your side because they are your family. And if you thought otherwise you would feel guilty and go against the ones that gave you everything. Attention, life, compassion love regardless of any of it being genuine. You feel a sense of duty; like you owe them that its your predetermined future. So doing as they say and want can somehow fill that really long request of demands. You eventually have to start living for yourself unless you want to lose yourself in the midst of it all. Its conflicting but in due time your heart will be in sync with your mind and you will realize your happiness is important. I guess im just trying to reach that point but taking a lot of detours and road blocks to get there.

These are just mere thoughts I was able to get down on paper, the rest is jumbled floating around in my head.

A Letter to your Mother

Dear Mekala Aunty,

Happy birthday aunty, wish you all the best and many more long healthy years to come. Prasanth has told me many wonderful things about you and I’ve been looking forward to meeting you. You’ve raised a wonderful son and im very thankful. They say, ” A man who has a great relationship with his mother is a man who will most likely treat a woman he’s with like a queen.” That is exactly how Prasanth treats me and nothing less. He is very humble, understanding, and very caring. He makes me very happy and I hope you know I won’t lose sight of my future and I wont let Prasanth either. Our education doesnt build success it builds our character. Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right path, the the final forming of a person’s character lies in our own hands. I hope we reach our goals and he is there by my side evey step of the way. This maybe shocking aunty but I do love your son, and you may think I am young and naive and clueless about love. I may be both those things but I do know love is about trust, honesty, understanding, respect, compassion and sacrifice. Without these things there cannot be a healthy functional relationship. I promise as long as he is with me I will do my best to take care of him and look after him and show him all those things I mentioned above. Only time will truly point out true feelings and he is someone I truly care about. My intentions are true and I am sticking by him. I hope we can meet again soon.

Take Care,

~S