Consumed and Alone

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” ― Terry Pratchett

At birth we begin a journey where we are fresh and with no thoughts, opinions or a voice. With time, age and experience thoughts begin to flood in like a broken dam. Some thoughts are meaningless, while others consume you to a point where you’re left contemplating over and over again. You are unsure of what to do and it seems you can’t escape; not even your own mind where you can think of absolutely anything. Thoughts can be happy and uplifting and then there are those that are dark and eluding. Some make you feel weak and you lose hope in yourself and your self worth.

I’m a pretty deep thinker, if I had the chance I would disconnect myself from the rest of the world just to be alone with my thoughts. Speech is very computationally expensive task; thus, minimal talking frees up your mind to think about other interesting issues. I’ve developed a type of insomnia because my mind keeps me awake with my thoughts. Some are meaningless then there are the ones that replay in my head like a tape on repeat. I think about the situation in depth and see how it would be different if I changed one factor and see how it would play out. So im stuck with all these possibilities and outcomes; making a decision that would likely help others rather than myself. When there are people who I care about involved in a decision I have to make I always make a decision that will hurt them the least in the midst of taking the reprocussions.  Sometimes I get so consumed in thought that I lose track of space and time and feel as though my body and mind arent connected. I tend to space out a lot because once I think about something my mind just drifts and it feels like I lose touch with my sense of self. My thoughts are mostly dark, I guess it is because of the experiences I’ve gone through and they play a big factor on how I carry myself. My mind is mainly preoccupied by family, relationships, expectations, love; but that’s just a small list of my many thoughts.

Alone thats how I feel all the time and I quite frankly don’t mind it because my mind keeps me company. Im the type of person to go for late night walks just to think and sometimes talk to myself. They seem more real when you talk aloud. Society has nutured us to look after ourselves; humanity is dying and it seems that we have become lifeless like machines. I don’t like sharing my thoughts because they seem to be gloomy and dark and always seem to cover the negative rather than the positive. More importantly, I don’t like to get emotional whether it’s sadness, happiness or anger. Any typenof emotion because it shows a typd of vulnerability and I see it as a weakness.  And weakness is something everyone thrives on and fiends on because nobody wants you doing well in a hierarchy where everyone wants to be on top. Even your family can be like this and family is suppose to be a foundation that builds you up. Yet they revel in your flaws, mistakes and they never let you forget it… rather than highlight your accomplishments and successes. It is as though they become nonexistent and you’re constantly fight to find approval. I thought family is suppose to give you unconditional love and support. But it feels like unrequited love and resentment. You start to feel like a drone and sacrificing your happiness fighting to get a specific type of appraisal. You feel smothered and feel as though everything you do is a mistake. You lose your sense of self because your morals and beliefs become wrong because you feel inferior in your surroundings.  You become numb.

I like to be alone, people don’t bother you and you dont have expectatations or trouble. Expectations can drive you insane, this goes with both living up to them and having them as well.It’s more peaceful and you don’t have to put in effort to pretend to be engaged in what other’s are saying. I prefer to observe people, watch their behaviour and their speech because I get into this analytical trance. Think about what they think about as they say certain things and act a certain way. Try and see through their perspective. You are wondering who really has the time to do all of that… I do, it’s actually more intriguing than listening to what you’re actually say. I’m more concerned of why you are saying it, why did did you waste your breathe on saying those words in particular, in that particular order what are you trying to convey.

Recently, there have been many nights where I’ve slept only a few hours becuase my mind keeps me awake. Some of the mere things I think about is mainly family, life, love and relationships. Growing up in a traditional brown household family is a big reoccurring factor in your life. It more how other precieve you rather than how you precieve yourself. My parents always tell me to act like a woman; modest and respectable “you don’t want to tarnish your name and be frowned upon, and bring shame upon the family name.” I’ve heard that for as long as I can remember it’s become a law or a biblical verse in a sense.  Expectations has also played a significant role, living up to the expectations of your family and community. It becomes a burden on you and you lose sight on what you want and what makes you happy because you are so consumed on satisfying others.

“I think and think and think, I‘ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer

In terms of love and relationships I recently met someone who doesn’t make me feel alone or want to be alone for that matter because there he persistently wants to be there and support me through my trials and tribulations. For someone who despises being overcrowded and likes space; I don’t mind him wanting to know everything about me. Yes, I am hesitant about sharing my thoughts and feelings towards him because I avoid doing that in every possible interaction. But like he said, if you love someone, you shouldn’t be afraid to give yourself 100% because when you love someone you should be able to come to them for anything. Whether it be when you are sad and broken to the opposite side of that spectrum. They say we accept the love we think we deserve and I do believe this too. And I think a reason why I am not accepting his support or love is because I don’t feel like I deserve it. I have done nothing to deserve it. I felt for the longest time that if you do good things, good things will happen to you; that their is an equilibrium. I feel as though he is too good to be true and I don’t want to get comfortable because once I do it’s gone and stripped away. He is too good to me and I don’t think I have done anything to deserve that type of attention, love, support and respect. I feel like I will be the one that will mess this one good thing I have at the moment because it is in my nature.From previous experiences and as well as not living up to certain expectations from family, I feel as though I am only gonna let you down.That’s why I rather stay your cherry on top and nothing more because I don’t want to affect your foundation if I fail you.  I think to myself why me, what did I do to be in this position, why am I so lucky; am I being tested? I see him in a different light, the way he makes me feel is different; words cannot explain how I feel. Sometimes I just touch my lips and smile and reminisce on the soft kisses and the laughter. Life is about moments of impact, everybody that you meet set your life on different course and its ultimately us who decide our future. Regardless of where this leads us, I know it won’t be something I would regret because you are helping me in someway or another. Whether it is you helping me how to love, love myself, improve my communication, show emotion or change my perspective on things it will change me for the better. And for love and support you give me I want to say thank you in advance. The following quote is from a favourite book of mine and this is how I’ve seen you from day one.

“When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognize the scent of his skin. You see only the essence of the person,not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.”
― Lisa UngerBeautiful Lies

I don’t know if I am the girl for you or if I come fiercely close but I do promise to show you all the love my heart can hold and be honest and truthful and make sacrifices unconditionally. I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they’re not, and to live within the warmth of your heart — and always call it home.”

I don’t really voice my thoughts and blogging is a form I use to make that happen. I usually just keep it jumbled in my mind and rethink these thoughts over and over again. These are some of my recent thoughts that I contemplated. There are many others but these seem to be the most prominent ones. Your mind is everything, use it well.

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