I just turned 20 recently and all I can think about is that I’ve been on earth for two decades and have nothing accomplished or to be proud of. I go into work every day for the past two months thinking this is what life has become. No change, the same thing day in and day out for everyday for the rest of your life. I quickly shake my head to snap out of those dreadful thoughts. I am a current student completing my undergraduate in kinesiology and management studies with big dreams. I hope to open my own clinic and gym one day and call it “Hustle Fitness” and get it franchised. This is a very big dream but dream big as you can becuase even if you fall short by a little bit you can still recognize you accomplished a lot. I’m a light sleeper but heavy dreamer.
Growing up in a traditional brown family it’s very hard to seek support from parents who don’t see eye to eye. I mean my parents didnt even approve of my career choice and it is in the healthcare profession. It’s always a struggle to get their approval, support, happiness or even blessing. You start to lose yourself trying to please them becuase you feel this obligation that you are indebted to them for everything they sacrificed to get you where you are. Everything from your education, the food on the table to the clothes on your back; you’d be nothing without them. But, more importantly they never let you forget it… they always remind you of all the sacrifices they made so we could have a better future and lecture us on how we are throwing it away because it is something they disapprove of. I forgot the meaning of happiness from being around my parents. Most often all I do remember are all the negative things rather than the positives. I’ve become unmotivated to do the things that once brought me passion and happiness because im too stressed from handling all the psychological and emotional distress I get from my parents. After reaching the age of 19 now 20 my parents have been very persistent on telling me how to behave and act because they don’t want me to tarnish my name and reputation because I have reached the stage in my life where I will be married soon. It seems that everything I do is somehow wrong and there is no pleasing them.
I work out like it was my job, I’ve been working out everyday for the past 3 years yea its partly for the goals I have for my self but mainly to help anguish the depression and eating disorder I once had. Im not the type to blame others I feel everything that has happened to me is brought upon myself. At the end of the day we are all accountable for our own actions and I just didn’t handle mine appropriately. When I work out I am driven and focused; I shut everything out and focus on what I want to become, what I want to achieve. That hard work and dedication will give you results. It also gave me strength; strength to be stronger physically and emotionally. It was something I used as a coping mechanism to deal with the bs I put up with at home. Ive tried a lot of things such as illicit drugs, alcohol, drawing, writing but nothing helped quite as much as working out. Exercise realeases endorphins which lifts you up and makes you happy and with a daily dose I seemed happy. What I didnt realize is that I used exercise to mask what I was going through, it helped me ignore and disregard my current events for this temporary relief. But someone helped me realize talking was the best method; it helps you arrive you to a solution. The only way this happened was because HE was persistent; something I hated and loved about him. He dug up some skeletons buried deep but I guess that happens if you fall for someone. They want all of you not just good parts; they want the bad, messy, meaningless pieces of you too. I guess im lucky I found someone that sees me in the midst of being lost; lost in translation. I say this as tears flood down my face, mucus building in my nose and as my teeth clench together trying to contain myself.
Lost, lost is how I’ve been feeling as of late. But I don’t think it has been of late, I feel like its been ongoing displacement and I’ve just gotten better at putting on a facade to make it seem like im there… but I’m not. I feel like im in a standstill with selective hearing. I’m watching life go by and not really experiencing it. Im faking emotions; faking happiness, laughter, but sadness seems to be the only thing genuine about me. Life is a constant battle between who I want to be and who I am expected to be. And either way im failing at doing both. Even if I try to do what’s expected it still doesnt fit the requirements. It is never enough; sometimes I do wish my physical being was lost just like how my mind and soul seems to be. It feels like that is the best solution sometimes to be honest. I feel like im lost; there but not there. Trapped in my mind living inside a membrane of fluid and bones. I try to make others happy with the sacrifice of my own happiness and the end result is that either party isn’t happy so its a lose-lose situation. They say you should start living for yourself, it’s a dog eat dog world out there and all you will have is me, myself and I. There is no such thing as forever; people always leave its inevitable. But when you decide to “do you” everyone proclaims you are selfish and undeserving. There is no winning, you lose all the way to your death bed. YOU are in control of what you do, say, act, feel, think but why do I feel powerless. Striped of all feeling emotion even things that are made for pleasure like sex feels vacant and numb. Like I said I feel lost; I am trying to find my way back but I feel like im drowning in my own thoughts gasping for air. I am not the self destructive type but my thoughts are quite dark and are fiending for the light.
Its hard to change what you were taught and told since the day you were born by the people whole are said to always be by your side because they are your family. And if you thought otherwise you would feel guilty and go against the ones that gave you everything. Attention, life, compassion love regardless of any of it being genuine. You feel a sense of duty; like you owe them that its your predetermined future. So doing as they say and want can somehow fill that really long request of demands. You eventually have to start living for yourself unless you want to lose yourself in the midst of it all. Its conflicting but in due time your heart will be in sync with your mind and you will realize your happiness is important. I guess im just trying to reach that point but taking a lot of detours and road blocks to get there.
These are just mere thoughts I was able to get down on paper, the rest is jumbled floating around in my head.